You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
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[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Favourite diary entry ever
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”