(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.