My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
couldn’t resist
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Plant care tips
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously