I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
i was baptized in a car wash
This did not end as expected.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE