A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Welcome
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.