I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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what?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*