Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.