My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice