During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.