The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.