It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one