A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
So, can we agree on 4 or
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America