ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.