Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
twitter users today:
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.