Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
A bold strategy
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
#oldknees
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”