My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: