My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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LOL
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like