Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.