{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.