I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You Might Also Like
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums