I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
wtf is a larm clock?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow