In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?