The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Swedish for common sense.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…