If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.