*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
who called it hell and not heaven’t
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath