I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.