no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.