I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Real House Wines.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…