If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol