My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
2022 be like
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks