It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Breaking news:
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.