No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
TRAIN’S HERE