Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer