The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
peak technology
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.