Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I have never heard an armadillo before.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.