I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.