I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.