[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.