General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”