The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.