Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Who knew!
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”