[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Wasps: bees, but not helping
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.