Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch