a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away