me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I love it all
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.