If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.