How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Need this in my life lol
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
any last words?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.