Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.