You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked