Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards